I am convinced that the sudden shock and trauma I went through have deeply transformed me. Not only have my thoughts and actions been impacted, but I also sense a profound change within me due to the trauma I suffered. I realise this may sound melodramatic, but the experience was genuinely traumatic, especially with my mother's unexpected passing just as we were beginning to find our footing again after my father's death. I really do believe that if you were to look inside me, you would find a duller version of myself compared to if these events had not occurred, all because of the immense pain I endured. It's as if the shine I once had has dimmed, and regrettably, I doubt I will ever shine from within like that again.
Even in those moments when I'm busy or I'm not thinking about them, or my mind is completely pre occupied, It's like my body knows I have experienced a loss, because my grief is with me all the time.
We all describe our grief in different ways because we are all different humans beings but the way I explain my grief is as if there's a funnel inside me, but there's a blockage - a sticky ball of grief that never seems to dislodge. I can't release it, whether by letting it out or processing it; it remains a constant presence. Sometimes, it doesn't affect me much and just lingers in my gut as I go about my daily life. But then there are moments when it swells, pressing against my other emotions. It's in those times when it would be easy to succumb to my grief, allowing it to consume me like a monster. I could wallow in self-pity, retreat to bed, and shut out the world. While that might be understandable and acceptable, I must consider what purpose it serves. Would my loved ones want that for me? Would they choose to spend their days in sadness? I know for a fact that my dad wouldn't. When he was given a two-year life expectancy, he didn't wallow; instead, he planned a holiday, bought a vintage sports car, and indulged in a burger and chips nearly every night!
It's important to remember each person deals with loss differently. There is no wrong or right way to feel but I now ask my self the question all the time. What is it you want to do? What's the dream for you? Who do you wan to be while your living on this planet and I try to do my hardest to make those things happen, because I know how precious life is and that it can be taken in an instance so I try to live as though every year is my last.
While you might consider that I need grief counseling to express my feelings, I can honestly say that no amount of therapy will help me overcome the loss. Surprisingly, I am actually very content with my life at present. I am blessed with a loving partner and a cherished child, things I never had while my parents were alive. Despite carrying my grief with me constantly, never granting me respite, I have come to terms with it. My heart will always ache, especially during significant life events. The early days of welcoming my first child were filled with immense love, yet tinged with sadness as I longed for my parents to witness my baby. The sleepless nights during feedings made me feel isolated, holding my baby and wishing my parents could see him. The pain persists as your child grows, achieves milestones, and you yearn to share these moments with lost loved ones. Grief is an enduring challenge, and I empathise with those who have experienced loss like I have.
If you read this and have similar or different feelings towards your own grief please feel free to leave a comment, I sometimes think getting it out there is healing so please feel free to use this page as a safe space to chat.
Candice xx
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